Halloween decorations are starting to appear in yards and on porches, ramping up excitement for trick or treating, pumpkin carving, funny costumes, spooky themed parties, and ghost stories. As golden autumn days grow shorter, the next cross quarter point on the Celtic Wheel of the Year is rapidly approaching. To the ancient Druids Samhain (pronounced “SOW-wen”) celebrated the third and final harvest. This was also a time to commune with deceased ancestors. Samhain and the days that immediately follow, have a rich and interesting history I touched on in a blog post entitled, Remembrance Holidays. The days include All Hallows Eve, All Saints’ Day, All Souls’ Day, and Dia de los Muertos. This special window of time places a focus on remembering, honoring, and celebrating loved ones who have left physical life, yet still live on in our memories.
According to Merriam-Webster, resilience means “an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change”. In my last newsletter, I wrote “Magical, yet bittersweet; autumn – the beautiful season of dying.” When I wrote that, I did not know that death would come calling close to home. On September 17th my father-in-law, David R. McCarter died suddenly. Among David’s many admirable qualities, the one I most appreciated was his resilience. I see that same resilience in my husband, Robert. It is a quality I value and have worked to cultivate within myself via years of service to the dying, to survivors of loss, and hosting many Bone Dances. That type of service taught me that grieving is often complicated, and finding resilience after loss can feel daunting. At Samhain, remembering invites us to look beyond what death has taken from us so that we may discover gratitude, solace, and connection to the love that abides.
Remembrance and Resilience
Early November days are the onset of darkness that beckons us toward introspection. For some, this chilly darkness can feel bittersweet, sad, or even depressing. Withering plants and scattered fallen leaves present a stark landscape that tells us it’s time for the natural world to rest, restore, and prepare for the next cycle. Days grow steadily darker until the winter solstice brings a promise of returning sunlight. In our culture the days between Halloween and New Year’s Day are usually filled with holiday preparations and events. While making new memories is essential for a life well-lived, taking time to remember the ancestors at this season’s onset can bring heartwarming insights. Loved ones who have passed from this world would want us to remember what uplifts and brings happiness during dark times. Reflecting on those memories and looking deeper may reveal that within the darkness a seedling of resilience and renewal is waiting to be acknowledged and nurtured. There are many ways to do so through remembering. . .
- Dia de los Muertos – this special Day of the Dead remembrance celebration begins on October 31st and culminates on November 2. For a glimpse, please enjoy the Pixar movie, Coco (streaming on several platforms). If there is a Dia de los Muertos celebration in your area, please consider attending or create your own ofrenda at home.
- Write an obituary – this is usually done fairly quickly after death occurs, and can be done formally or informally and posted to local newspapers, online through a mortuary, or on other social media platforms. Even if years have passed since the death occurred, writing an obituary or a eulogy can bring healing to the writer as they remember the decedent’s qualities and accomplishments.
- Funerals, Memorials, Celebrations of Life – are either religious or non-religious. They are held at a funeral parlor or mortuary; church, synagogue, temple, or other faith-based facility; public hall, outdoor space, or other venue. These gatherings can be private or open and focus on remembering the decedent’s life and qualities. Poems, music, religious readings, prayers, or other rituals in accordance with the deceased’s faith traditions; a eulogy and/or remarks from mourners; or photos highlighting the deceased life are all possible components of the gathering. They are often followed by sharing food and fellowship. It is possible to hold a memorial or celebration of life long after a death has occurred.
- Military Funerals – If the deceased was a veteran, military tributes can be arranged and offered through Veterans Affairs and may include the playing or singing of “Taps”, presentation of the flag, and/or and a gun salute. Law enforcement, fire fighters and other first responders often have special ceremonies to honor and remember the fallen of their ranks.
- Home Funerals – home based after-death care and/or green burial are choices that are becoming more widely understood and acceptable. The home funeral may be a smaller, more intimate gathering. The Home Funeral Alliance provides more information.
- Virtual Celebrations – have become widely utilized due to the pandemic restrictions that arose in the early 2020’s. Gathering on Zoom or some other platform brings people together to share music, stories, and other rituals to honor and remember the deceased provides that important sense of connection for mourners.
- Commemoratives– are numerous and offer a lasting reminder of the decedent. Some ways to commemorate a loved one include planting a tree or memory garden, naming a star after your loved one; engraving the decedent’s name on jewelry; creating a painting, sculpture, or other artistic piece as a reminder of the loved one’s favorite place or color.
Grief Notes
During Samhain, or at any time we pause to remember lost loved ones, grief is a natural companion. Grieving is a life-long experience that ebbs and flows. Grief will sharpen in the immediacy of loss and soften with time. Remembering and resilience are intricately linked. After death occurs, attending a gathering to honor the deceased is an activity that offers mourners a place to express and share grief, laughter, tears, memories, and hope. Sharing in this way provides a sense of connection to others experiencing the loss, and to something larger than the loss itself. The act of connecting offers solace and comfort that can open the door to acceptance of the loss, which is critical in achieving healing and ultimately, resilience. If gathering is not possible, it’s important for mourners to find a way to express grief and receive support. This can be done through talking with close friends, family, clergy, a therapist, or bereavement counselor.
Lastly, avoid the presupposition that their grief experience is like your own. It may not be. In fact, it probably is not! Feelings of longing, sorrow, or despair are common after loss, but everyone’s experience of grief is unique. For those experiencing deep loss for the first time, the initial state may be one of shock or denial. For those who have experienced previous deep loss, acceptance may come ahead of sadness. Caregivers who have witnessed their loved one’s difficult decline may feel a sense of peace, ease, or even relief. If a relationship was troubled, survivors may feel regret, remorse, or resentment. Allow for and hold space for peace. Compassionate listening assists mourners to feel heard and cared for, which in turn encourages healing and resilience.
Expressing sympathy to mourners often feels awkward in our death denying culture. It is customary to say, I’m sorry for your loss. To extend sympathy and kindness, add Would you like to talk about this? If the person is not ready to talk, you can say I’m here for you and want to help if I can. If the person wants to talk, become a compassionate listener. Please avoid saying everything happens for a reason and/or they’re in a better place. Not everyone holds those statements as truth, and they can leave mourners feeling isolated or frustrated. Another phrase to avoid is, I hope you can find closure. Grief is a process with subtle layers and dimensions. Grief and love travel together in equal measure. Closure is indicative of a finite ending that is impossible when there has been love.
Recovery Help Needed
At this writing I am focused on the aftermath of two catastrophic hurricanes, the losses of which are only beginning to reveal themselves. The conditions in western North Carolina (WNC) and on Florida’s Gulf Coast are a paradox of disbelief and hope; of immeasurable grief and strength; of denial and acceptance. Videos from residents on the ground in the WNC area can help us understand what is really happening. Digital Creator, Mark Huneycutt has set up GoFundMe pages for several hard hit areas. This report from a Canadian news source addresses the hundreds still missing. The infrastructure damage is unfathomable; the death count, rising. Winter is coming, and in WNC that will make recovery operations more difficult. The collective grief there is overshadowed by a host of unmet survival needs. Resilience in these areas cannot occur until basic needs are met. During times of trouble, social media can be at its very best when it points to real solutions and practical resources. I’m certain that people in these areas are as grateful for “donations and volunteerism” as they are for “thoughts and prayers” This is a list of ways to help WNC. Here’s a more extensive list for Florida and Appalachia from Earth Justice. Please help if you can.
On the Blog: The Long Covid Series is my personal account of living with LC. Recent entries include: Radical Acceptance, Better, Not Normal and Dysautonomia. The ABC’s for Living Well now features “X” is for Xing (Crossing) Parts 1, 2, and 3. Past newsletters are also available on the blog.
Quotes for Season: What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us. ~ Helen Keller, author
May all beings be safe, well, happy, and content.
This article is so beautifully written and is full of good info and reminders. I’m so grateful for this perspective. Thank you.